Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.