[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
You Might Also Like
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.