Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander