her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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I feel seen
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My apartment is a mess, I should move
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”