Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on