*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
this isn’t threatening at all
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]