The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
next level snooze
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads