I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
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ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes