The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Yup
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
doing your own taxes
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.