her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
hey, alexa
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way