Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.