Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*