NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
You Might Also Like
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
i want to work in this restaurant
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot