Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*skinny dips into black hole
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!