Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Still laughing at this stupid meme
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART