My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever