“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“our sushi is very fresh”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life