Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.