Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.