My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
🤣😂
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.