“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…