Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower