me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Self-cleaning conscience
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.