“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
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Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I gave up going to work for lent.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Flowers bee like
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too