Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance