This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?