Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see