Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.