“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Whoa 😂
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS