I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Covid like
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.