The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Drive as I say, not as I drive.