My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My work here is done
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
some things should go without saying
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging