When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before