My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.