My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Tony Hawk, age 6
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.