Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*