We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
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I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters