When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.