In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
the rocks need my help
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
is this store having a stroke wtf
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.