*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.