When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Good Morning.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably