Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
You Might Also Like
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
welcome back
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.