There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Cake safety first. Always.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow