Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Best seat on the street 😍
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”