Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
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Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
first you must answer his riddles
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?