People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
@ candidates for local office
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
mechanics be like
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.