When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
You Might Also Like
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Fries, not lies.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
🤣could you imagine
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.