My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I am HOWLING at this
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys