On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]