Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Rambo Rambow
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.